I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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