I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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