you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
