You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
