Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
