Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
