Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
