so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
