i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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