Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
