Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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