Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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