You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
