I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
