ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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