I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
