so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
