Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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