if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
