I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
