I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
