remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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