Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
