Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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