i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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