i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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