I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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