non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
