so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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