Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
