I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
