my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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