god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
