He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
