About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
