I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
