My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
