Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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