Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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