i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
