this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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