I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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