The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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