today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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