Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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