in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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