So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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