you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
