Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
