you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
